And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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