I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
