Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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