Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
