so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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