the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
