There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
