at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
