On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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