the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
