I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
