if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
