My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
