I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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