I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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