I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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