Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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