If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
