idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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