Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
