Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
