my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
