Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
