: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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