You can't special order awesome
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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