your parents love me but you hate me
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
