as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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