I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
