I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My feet surprised me
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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