she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I think I sprained my soul last night
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
