i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
