mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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