On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
