Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
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