Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
