guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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