I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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