Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
