i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
