At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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