There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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