Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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