Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
