I checked into jail on foursquare
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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