I'm so fucking centered right now
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
