I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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