Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
