she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
