Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
