you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
