I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
