I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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