Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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