i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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