My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
porn star boner night. come get it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
