I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
