I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
