remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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