lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
