Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
your like the ambassador to my penis.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
