I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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