When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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